U-TURN! but still whatever happen, ur life is yours!


                                 
6/2/14 Alhamdulillah today is my last day at Putrajaya. hari dimana sepatutnya saya pergi phileo,Petaling Jaya and mule kerja adalah merupakan hari saya bertolak balik ke hometown! leave everything! carrier! future! dream! sophisticated lifestyle! everything!  U TURN ! dat what we call!!

When u decide to make a U TURN in ur life! then u are already strong enough to accept whatever  possibility that occur in da future. actually i`m just finish(not yet actually) my final exam when i`am being offered *not suddenly offered sangt la coz after habis intern haritu terus die keep one positon for me if i`m interested. from my ex- intern ship company to working there as a tax assistant with basic RM 2,300 as a starter (basic actually only RM 1,700/1,800 but for mine is differ,dat what we call special case & rezeki :D) and opkos i just tooo excited *sampai nangis dlm toilet nak pg coz my mum did`t not allow me to go yerlah mana nak cari co y boleh offer fresh graduate mcm kite ngan gaji y macam tu.. opkos ader but then u need to have enuf attraction likely good result and etc to make the boss hires u.. kalo orang y result biase2 macm i ni?10 kali mntk belum tentu dapat! bermacam hujah y diberi & with pertolongan n pujuk2 oleh abah akhirnya mama bg pergi..

dat time walau berat hati tapi gembira coz in my mind

ia adalah permulaan y baik bagi saya & 1`am currently target my salary will up to the RM2,800 in the 11/2-2 years time *max gaji y I nak y i rase da senang gile dah  hidup
# phileo damansara adalah tempat elit! lot of international companythere! sofisikated! urban semuanya dielah..banyak mat salleh lagi! kerja kat sana rase macam orang y hebat sebb suasana diesangat elit *tempat orng kaye katenyaaa*paking kete je da mencecah ribuan ringgit! untuk basement bg orang bawahan macam fara ni pun da almost 200!!!
# dari dulu lagi 1`am dreaming to work in kl or putarajaya,shah alam mane2 la y barat..sebab xnak la duduk kampung... T______T kampung xde mall besar2xde wayang xleh enjoys2..blabla bla..
# since the cost to life in phileoo is very high i`am even think ntuk kawin ngan orng y keje kat area phileo..jimat parking,sewa rumah minyak kete semua.. haha :P *padahal mama da pesan awal2jangan bercinta ngan orng kl bla bla bla (baiklah mama*angguk kepala tp hati geleng T____T*tapi ni kalo ada jodohla...
# I already got my own car! parent belikan mase I intern dulu but since i x keje lagi.. abang/parent tolong bayarkan. dan bile abang tolong bayarkan eh tertibe die nak pinjm (slepas I habis intern) dan saya terpaksa hidup tanpa berkereta for a moment ..*eh ada je kete lain tp faham2 la kan bile u da terbiase dengan gaya BEGITU.. so bile terpaksa naik bus , berdriver untuk pg ke kampus rase annoyed pulak.sedih pun ader... so niat fara nak cepat keje sebb nak start bayar sendri.. antara tanggugjawab sebb dat my car  n antara rase... hei dat my car! i want it back.. haha.

24/1/2014 but then happen to be one week after end of my final exam@one week before i start my work, my grand mother(belah abah) passed away..i`m just shock! x percaya dua kematian da1am mase setahun *b4 this nenek belah mama meningal 8/3/13 & I take about half year to accept that since ini kali pertama i kehilangan keluarga terdekat & i xtengok arwah buat kali terakhir n arwah menningal secara tibe2. xde sakit xde ape.. sebb xpercaya hari2 I cakap ngan diri i arwah hidup lagi .. die x mati lagi. sebb selalu fikir gitu sealu i mimpi arwah..arwah dikebumikan, arwah dikapankn.. semuanya tetang kematian.. dan opkos ianya bagi tekanan pd i bile asyik bermimpi.. bile balik cuti.. pergi kubur die baru i ckp ngan diri I yup nenek dh xade.. x ade.. & i start to stop thinking about die sebb i xnak mimpi bkan2 lagi even terfikir pun cepat2 buat bende2 lain..

kehilangan arwah bgi seribu satu penyesalan sebab rumah i dengan kampung dekat(about 3km) tetapi dalam mse tige bulan before die meninggal i tak pernah pun even sekali balik kampung..*mugkin balik tp jarang sngt dat y I x ingat  busy study kononnya..then after habis sem 6 i pergi kl untuk intern and opkos i`am also not meet him first! so bile die meninggal i tercari2 ingatan tentang bile kali terakhir i bertanya khabar die.. it just hurt to know that i'm did not even remember bile kali terakhir berckp dengan die secara girangnya and i`m did not even give her anything . rasa sakit dan sesal tu xkann pernah hilanggggg..

then now, bile nenek belah abah plak meninggal opkos saya terasa dunia saya kelam. saya y dikatakan cucu emas die tapi i`am also give nothing to her. nenek memang da lame sakit almost 6 year.. n itu buat die x kenal kami.. dan fara bile jadi macam tu fara macam jarang nak g jumpa die(rumah nenek belah abah just belakang  rumah fara) sebb fara x tahu nak ckp apa ngan die.. pg pun cuma tanya da makan ke? da minum? makan ubat? then balik rumah.. sepanjang i study i duk rumah je.. even rumah nenek dkat rumah i tapi sangt jarang i pg sane..lagi2 bile dekat final exam mmng fara tak pergi langsung. lepas habis final sibuk kesana sini parti last class aper.. then one day my dad suruh pergi umah nenek sebab kateya demam *act my parent know me very well.. when i`am study i did not even border to go anywhere.. terperap je dalm bilik so bile habis exam itu die suruh fara pg

21/1/14 I went there & fara tengok die ok je.. tengah makan roti canai lagi... tanya soalan rutin kejap then i balik rumah. esok nya 22/1/14  petang waktu magrib adik2 mama abah y mule2 dok kat halaman rumah semua pergi rumah nenek. i hairan tapi still continue tegok tvi.. then abah balik cakap pg lah  rumah sana kejap.. nenek da macam separa sedar..so lepas solat i pergi, tengok ayah sedara baca yassin so i do the same.. walau yakin nenek hanya demam tapi still i sambil baca yassin sambil nangis. dont know why... takuttttt..

23/1/14 esoknya bawak pergi hospital.. masuk air. doktor ckap mungkin perdarahan otak dan paru2 die pun rosak..kene masuk wad.. mlm tu i go there..i pegang tangan nenek sebb tangan die asyik bgerak  mungkin sakit sebab masuk air and amik darah. when there only us in that room i saw her see me.. n she look like want to cry tapi xde air mate pun.. bile y lain masuk semua ckp dr gaya mcm da nak dekat(xade) but i just pekakkan telinga. separuh hati rela kalau betul sebab arwah da terlalu lame sakit tapi separuh hati ..sangat x rela.. fara nak die sihat.. fara nak die ingt fara.. cucu die ni dah besar dah.. almost grad.. mungkin dlm kepala die fara cume budak sek menegh .. y petang2 dulu suke ikut die pg kebun.. y suke g makan kt rumah die.. but the reality is i am almost 24th.. malm sebelum balik rumah fara yakin sangat yang nenek akan ok.. AKAN OKKK...

24/1/14 esoknya petang ayah sedara suruh pg hospital semua orng.. *dlm kpla still semua ok walau pelik kenapa nak suruh semua pg.. then bile pg..i m just cannot believe that.. wayar sana sini.. die xsedar langsung n bernafas pun gune alat bantuan.. .. semalam mata die bulat je..  sebb ramai orng i decide to solat asar first before baca yassin.. mate x lepas perhati number pergerakan nafas dekat mesin.. STILLL ok..tapi x lame lepas tu makin turun makin naik turun.. dannn.. semua kate die xde tapi i pekakkan telinga..but when my cousin tarik i ketepi when mak sedara peluk sambil gosok bahu.. i know that.. she gone. .. again.. i lost my grandmother at 6.40 pm.. without give her nothing. it hurt ... it really hurt me...

meanngis tanpa suara dat what i can do.. then follow abah amik adik dekat asrama.. pukul 11lebih baru sampai rumah mase tu i da ok sikit.. i tengok arwah ,baca yasin n then balik rumah.. dalam kul 2 kowt baru tido tu pun 2,3 kali terjaga dek kerana teringat arwah..kul 3.30 terjaga,tengok mama da xde(pg mandi n kapan arwah sebab nak tanam selepas subuh) i mandi ,pakai baju kurng siap n pg rumah nenek.. i dont want to miss my last moment to see arwah.. tp mase pgi dieoragg da nak tutup muke pun.. so then i just baca yassin..masa pergi kubur(pun xsemat tengok arwah dikebumikan) mse tu I da x nangis. i `am feel that i already accept that.. y nenek da xde..

1/2/14 - 6 hari lepas (6/7 days after my grandmother pass away) i`m start packing my thing coz i need to start work on today 6/2/14.. mlm tu menangis sebb terfikir betul ke i nak pegi.. dengan apa y jadi sekarang.. esoknya dlm kul12 kiteorang nak bertolak .. i took a few minutes to calm my self coz airmate asyik nak kluar je.. sebak sebab fikir atuk da tinggal sorang.. nenek da xde.. bile pg salam ngan die i`m crying,bile salam ngan mama n abah lagi banyak airmata kluar.. x tahu kenapa hati rase sakit sangttt.. sangat sakit.. sakit bile fikir satu demi satu kesayangan saya pergi tanpa sy berbuat n memberi ape2...

2/2/14- bile sampai putrajaya langsung xleh tido.sambung nangis.. huhu.. i`m just confius..betul ke i nak kerja di pj.. leave my mom with adik2..mesti sunyi rumah..atuk pun xde sape y tengok lagi*actually atuk tinggal ngan family ayah sedara tapi entah kenapa bile tengok muke atuk i rase macam die sunyi sangat.. lg2 bile die batuk. sakit ke die???.. petang tu mesej mama

"boleh ke kalau xnak kerja sini, nak balik rumah'"kenapa?"xde ape saje je" "haritu ma xbagi tapi kamu y nak" haritu nak ni tertibe tak nak" "kenapa y tibe2 xnak?" "ma dengan abah takpe ke tingal berdue je ngan budak2 ni, xsedp hati nak duk jauh ,biarlah orang balik..kerja ape2 dulu,kalo xde jugak bru kluar balik""ma xpeje,ikut ma memang x kasi kamu keje luar tapi tu mse depan kamu so ma xnak halang,buatlah istikharah"*i`am start crying again..yaa i know my mum dream..hari2 die ckp ngan i dulu die nak i keje kat sini je.. tapi i degil1 i nk kejar cita2 i. kampung ape ader*kate hati "da buat dah, so x ape ke kalo balik dulu, xkeje""ikut kamu la, ma okey je . kalau nak keje pun boleh,kerja setakat boleh kemudian balik lah" "okey ape2 orng inform balik""okay, apepun keputusan kamu ma terima je, ma doakan y terbaik untuk kamu*my mum is so nice even `i`m hurting her with my decision to work in kl when i know that he badly want me to not stay far away from family 

5/2/14  4 hari duduk sini 4 hari lah xleh tido malam... kul 4 5 br i tertido.. entah kenapa rase x aman.. takut.. sampai waktu malam pun i tak tutup lampu... *sedang saya cukup pantang kalo tdo dlm cerah dulu..n then i just take my own decision.. keputusan y sangt besar dlm hidup saya.. keputusan y tak pernah sekali pun terintas dlm kepala...i`m going back to kelantan! i `will stay with my family! i will leave everthing in kl.. i will leave my carierr, i will leave all the opportunity given, i will leave all my dream.. going back to hometown and start everthing dr bawah.. kerja y mungkin susah nk dpt*sebab ada sikit je audit firm di kelantan compare luar atau keje di audit firm with basic only 900 or paling highest 1200/1400 (1600/2000 gaji pun ader tapi mampu ke saya dapatkan sebb rasenya cume 2/3 co je y offer gji sebanyak tu) average gaji audit firm cume 900 ! & ape mungkin saya dpt keje di audit firm.. capai cita2 untuk jdi profesional auditor n taxation... peluang nya cukup2 tipis.. tapi tiap kali lepas solat hati cukup yakin.. u need to do that Fara! u need!

sorang demi sorang pg tanpa u bgi ape2.. does u wat  dat happen again..do u want to lose ur parent ? sanggup ke tinggalkan mereka kat sana ?? dat word just keep hunting me.. annd it just really hurt me..confius..coz rancangan saya

# either kerja di kl for 2 year .. kukuhkan kerjaya dulu then balik kelantan, duduk with family.. kahwin n  duduk kelantan(rumah sendiri).
# kerja kukuhkan kerjaya then kawin n duduk kl...

tp tibe2 terfikir cukp ke semua tu..panjang ke umur tu? ape mungkin saya sempat tinggal ngan parent sebelum kahwin.. mane mane pun saya perempuan one days i will get married and opkos i need to follow my husband so then bile saya nak jaga parent??? xde kan..

so dat y i decide to going back.. mule kerjaya dari bawah.. selepas kawin baru capai balik semua cita2 fara*hopefully dapat kawin dengan orang y ada cite2 besar.. bukak audit firm sendiri ke.. hee so then we can grow old together. Ahieve our dream.. aminnn.. sangat2 berharap agar dapt keje di audit firm with affordable salary so that i can achieve all my dream without sacrifice my love toward my parents

tapi jauh disudut hati rase macam sangatttt x percaya.. bukan setahun due fara tanam cite2 untuk semua tu.. sepanjang hidup saya, saya x pernah berangan tinggal dikampung (bukan kerana berlagak ya tapi i have my own reasns) , x pernah nak bercinta just for the sake to make sure i`m able to achieve my dream.. coz i think i cannot success with guys around me.. i hate comitment! what they have to help me to be succeed in the future? they will just ruin all my plans.. that my opinion..tp last sem i meet somebody mase majlis sukarelawan.. lelaki y pada hemat saya sangat bercita2 tinggi.. i liked him..lagi2 bile ternampak die tengah sembahyang dekat surau ( cannot say love because i dont know what is love )

as what i`am said cite2 saya tinggi sangat2 .. so i start to think to  make sure my last sem result should be superb.. then i will work & kejar cita2 saya then kejar cinta saya.. i am a girl with nothing.. does u think that guys will stay behind me for forever if i got nothing.. i want permanent not temporary one.. kalo temporary dekat tepi jln banyak.. huhuh..

so then bile i decide to make UTURN.. i know that i also need to tinggalkan segala  impian saya tentang cinta..i need to planning back everthing.. mungkin semua xkan faham what i`m going throught in my life. but enuf to say sekeras2 saya but i have my own weaknesses.. i do everything that i can to hide it.. but yet i`m still fails..

why i`m writing this just because

# one days when i succeed i will look back this entry.. praise to Allah that everything still be ok
# when i fail i will look back this entry and said that this is what i choose before.. there nobody push me.. i`am the one who make all the decision
# when i`am feeling sad why my life going down (not as what it should be likely in my dream.. i will look back this entry to calm myself.. to let my mind n heart understand y it happen
# & opkos i want u(the only one) to read this entry.. to inform u how my life going up and d0wn with all this kind of thing.. thing might be better if u where here form the start.. but the reality is u never border about me.. u never border to look and find ur others half..
# and also i want to let u know y saya sangat terluka dengan segala kehilangan y saya ada.. so u need to understand me.. dont ever think to left me when u already appear in front of me..
 
                           
*Sya.....+ Fara =Syafa /name orang y fara tersuke kejap tu. sory sebb terpinjm name .. hanya sementara but then it really make me try my best to score and achive my dream.. even right know when i read i`m still feel bersemangat gila nak capai semuanya walau terpaksa bermula balik! when the rith time comes i will 'give' back ur names! 



I love this song .. ALASAN UNTUK BAHAGIA.. we got 1 reason to cry but Allah give us 1000 reason to smile.

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